Why buying a pair of Rollerblades was a dumb idea

 

My car needed service and I had just moved. There was an independent Honda mechanic I had seen a sign for in town so I made an appointment and took it in.

“Need a ride back home? This is going to take a few days.”

“No, I have transportation.”

With 80 bucks burning a hole in my pocket I walked down the street into Play-it-Again sports with bicycle on the brain. But the cheapest 26″ bike they had was 150 bucks. There was a crappy BMX bike there in for 80 bucks but it probably didn’t cost that much new.

So I looked for other options. I found a pair of Rollerblade Lightnings that fit for 40 bucks. Dope. I payed for my purchase and put the Rollerblades on in the parking lot and skated towards home..

I ate it

Wham! I had taken 2 strides and fell on my ass so hard my ears rang. It was at that moment I realized it had been 15 years since I had on a pair of Rollerblades. And I couldn’t Rollerblade for shit back then either.

But dammit, I paid 40 bucks for those things! I was going to Rollerblade the 2 miles back home. It wasn’t so much the forward part as it was the stopping. I may have used an elderly Hispanic woman waiting at a cross walk to retard my forward momentum to prevent myself from winding up under a bus. Lo siento abuela.

I had made it almost a mile. Shuffling and looking like a man who was about to eat shit at any second.

The final straw came when I got to the biggest intersection in town. 3 lanes in both directions either way plus a left hand lane. Everything started off fine. But when I got to the middle of the crosswalk, it happened.

I ate it again

I pitched back and all I could do was windmill my arms while my feet went Scooby-Doo. I got through 3 rotations before I fell on my ass even harder than I did in the store’s parking lot. I laid on the asphalt for a moment, relishing in my fail and how stupid I must have looked. It was 2012. I don’t think a pair of new Rollerblades had been produced for a decade. Imagine you are driving to work and you see the last Rollerblader ever and he sucks.

After collecting myself I attempted to stand up. Wham! This time I fell forward. At least I would bruise evenly. I couldn’t take the physical or emotional trauma of falling again so I crawled on my hands and knees across the rest of the crosswalk. The people in the cars who had witnessed me beef it twice honked as I made my way across the street on all fours. Dicks.

Time to put my shoes back on. One slight problem. I had dropped off my shoes back at my car at the mechanic as I had no way to hold them. So my options were to skate a mile back to get my shoes or skate a mile back home.

I took it slower that I would have walking. I made it home without any notable further incidents. I skated through the door scraped up and bloody. My roommate Sheena took one look at me and said, “Oh my god! Where the hell did you find a pair of Rollerblades?”

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