Here’s a Story About My Butt

Due to my father’s predisposition to gambling, my family only went on vacation to places that had blackjack tables. My family always spent our vacations in either Vegas or Lake Tahoe. I preferred Lake Tahoe because it was Vegas with ski slopes. While we skied, Dad gambled.

I skied alone as I was much more proficient at the age of seventeen than my mom or sister. We had all planned to meet up for lunch at noon.

My mother bought us all sandwiches at the station the previous evening. They didn’t eat the sandwiches, opting for food from the cafeteria. I was the only one who ate the egg salad sandwich of undetermined age.

After lunch, we got back in the lift queue to get more skiing in. As I was getting on the high speed quad lift to the top of the mountain, I felt a slight gas pain in my gut.

Half way up the lift I thought, “Man, this sandwich is not sitting well with me at all.”

When I arrived at the top I was ghost white, doubled over with sweat pouring off my face. The lift operator asked if I was alright. “No!” I screamed and took off skiing.

I’m flying down the mountain with my butt cheeks clenched together while screaming in pain. I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it. The moguls were not helping at all. Thank god we were skiing Kirkwood that day. If it were at Heavenly or Squaw I’d have totally crapped my ski bibs as those are much longer mountains. The lodge was in sight.

I started releasing my skis as soon as I was on flat ground. I was still moving when I took the second ski off so I tumbled a few times then landed on my feet and took off running. I didn’t even see which direction my skis skidded off to. I ran as fast as a guy in ski boots possibly can. I’m tearing off layers as I enter the ski lodge. I high tail it into the restrooms and I’m ready to unleash the fury of my meal at the buffet the night before.

I get in there and every single goddamn fucking stall is taken. Just as I was about to kick in the door where some 12 year old is taking a piss, a stall opens up. I push some guy out of the way and latch the door.

The bathroom was completely empty in 30 seconds. The sound of me screaming and my colon discharging combined with the smell must have been horrific.

The sandwich and the buffet from the night before rocketed out of my asshole in record time. Five minutes later and I’m still sitting on the toilet, trying to catch my breath when I hear the door open. Some guy took a step in and gagged audibly.

I found this funny. I chuckled and a fart came out. Then the guy who walked in starts chuckling. I’m going “Heh-pfft-heh-pfft-heh.” That makes the guy bust up laughing, which gets me laughing, which triggers round two of the sandwiches vengeance and the bathroom is cleared once again.

I’m in there for an hour drenched in my cold sweat before I was sure it was over. I was still sweating when I came out. My mother was like, “Where were you? Oh my god! You look terrible! What happened?”

I said “Take…me…home.”