Poetry is the Drizzling Shits.

I hate poetry.

All poetry.

Just seeing the word poetry brings a furrow to my eyebrows. Every poet, every poem I’ve ever read. Rhyming or not. It makes me feel things. Things like I don’t want to listen to this shit.

Before the sun sets beckoning the sun downer winds that creep over the San Ynez mountains causing the angry mobs torches to pulse like backup dancers for Cardi B as they make haste to my abode for besmirching the art of thesaurus-ry, allow your adversary a moment to pontificate.

I put my ex-wife through school and her major was poetry. After 3 years she graduated. The result was her poetry was even more contrived and it was contrived as fuck to begin with. We spent 20k so she could use the douchiest adjective possible writing while writing in metaphor.

She would read what she wrote back to me and I’d say, “Hmm. Very Vogon.” Fortunately she had never read Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. From the guide:

Vogon poetry is a variety of poetry, often considered to be one of the worst. It is sometimes used by the Vogons as a torture method, as it causes physical pain to the hearer. A notable example of this was when they tortured Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent after the Dentrassis let them hitchhike onto the ship.

According to the Guide, Vogon poetry is the third worst in the Universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria, and the worst is by Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussex, who perished along with her poetry during the destruction of Earth, ironically caused by the Vogons themselves. Vogon poetry is seen as mild by comparison.

“Before the sun sets beckoning the sun downer winds that creep over the San Ynez mountains causing the angry mobs torches to pulse like backup dancers for Cardi B as they make haste to my abode for besmirching the art of thesaurus-ry, allow your adversary a moment to pontificate.” I hate poetry. I hated writing that. I’m not even going to reread it.

Poetry is hack writing. The only people that enjoy it are people that write it, and it’s more of a “I’ll sit through yours if you sit through mine” reciprocal thing. Song lyrics is the only acceptable variant. Otherwise it’s all Vogon to me.

No Comments

Post A Comment