Bret vs Yokozuna

The Worst Wrestlemania match ever.

Yokozuna(c) vs. Brett “The Hitman” Hart

Bret vs Yokozuna

In one corner you have the challenger Brett Hart, the plan B WWF was shoving down everyone’s throats when they realized that Lex Lugar was as lousy of human being as he was a wrestler. Brett was too small, didn’t have much of a gimmick, was not that great on the mic at the time, and was born in the wrong country. The WWF had incredibly shallow roster in 1993. The other options were Bam Bam Bigalow or Tatanka so… Brett. Fortunately for him he busted his ass every night and the fans were observant enough to see that. But they still chanted USA during the match so there’s that.

In the other corner you have Yokozuna. The evil foreigner. Yoko had been living his sumo gimmick and had gained 200lbs the previous year. He was barely able to get up off the ground at this point which is kinda important in wrestling. Yoko was supposed to be Japanese. Though he’s actually from Samoa. Which is an unincorporated territory of the US.

Try not to think about it too much. Just keep chanting USA.

The match sucked, no surprise there. The surprise was who won the belt.

Yokozuna beat Brett due to Mr. Fuji throwing salt in his face after a 10 minute match. Retaining the belt.

Hogan was outraged and came to ringside. Because cheating is wrong and… Uh. Yeah. I can’t even make a joke. It made no sense. Hogan and Bret had zero history besides Hogan kicking the crap out of Brett earlier in their careers.

Mr. Fuji Stood between Hogan and Yokozuna proclaiming superiority. Yoko looked like a 600 pound Samoan who had walked out of the exit of Nero’s buffet then exerted himself for 10 minutes in the 100 degree Vegas heat in Ceaser’s Palace’s parking lot. Because that’s what I spent 40 bucks to watch.

Mr. Fuji challenges Mr. Hogan to a match right here right now for the title. The championship? So every contract signing I’ve witnessed in the decade of watching Pro Wrestling was completely unnecessary. Awesome. Mr. Fuji once again providing evidence thus supporting my theory that he is the worst wrestling manager of all time. Eclipsing the time when he turned on his team, the WWF tag team champions Demolition to manage The Powers of Pain. You were managing the champions!

What’s next, tell me every time there’s a big trophy for winning a Battle Royal it’s there because the loser is going to break it over the winners head?

I forget exactly what happened but it was something like big boot, leg drop, pose for twenty minutes.

Brett Hart vs Yokozuna match result. Winner and new champion: Hulk Hogan

What the hell happened? In shoot interviews years later Brett says it was Hogan. Hogan says it was the WWF. Vince McMahon says “I’m Vince McMahon god dammit!” Due to the creative control Hogan had in WCW and what he did with it, it was likely Hogan. The real mystery here is what the hell happened to Hogan’s eye? Nobody knows for sure except Hogan. He claims boating accident but he’s full of shit so who knows?

I ordered that pay-per-view. Normally when you order WrestleMania on pay-per-view when you’re 14 all your friends come over. Yeah, your too old says everybody. But it’s Wrestlemania! Nobody came over for Wrestlemania IX. We hadn’t outgrown it. It was just a bad time to be a fan. I went outside to play with the kids on my street mid Doink vs Crush. It was terrible. We went back inside just in time to see Hogan posing down with the belt. I had missed the match and had no idea what just occurred. I just stood in disbelief. The fuck? Why is Hogan cha… You know what? Fuck this don’t care and TV off.

I had past the age where I was blindly accepting the garbage the product had become. You can’t have two guys wrestle for the title that a third guy not in the match wins. That’s just stupid.

I turned off the WWF. And I didn’t turn it back on again until the Stone Cold era. The finish pissed me off me so much I didn’t watch wrestling for three years after.

Credit: World Wrestling Entertainment

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