10 Jul When Does it Become an Addiction?
I don’t openly identify as an addict. Let me assure you, I am. There comes a point where a person can no longer dismiss it as experimentation. You never know how you’re addicted until you try to stop. There’s no strip you can pee on. Maybe everyone knows. If you do it right, no one may know.
I was sitting up in bed at a 50 dollar a night motel. The 2 hookers I had been pimping out were lying next to me, sleeping for a change. I forger exactly what came on TV when I realized I had become what I feared most growing up to be when I was a kid. Homeless, broke, and alone.
That wasn’t how I was raised. I wasn’t supposed to be there.My parents gave a shit and I came good family. My Dad was a child actor. I was the son of a Mouseketeer. The school forced me to be on their ‘96 national champion academic decathlon team. I went to college, mostly to sell drugs and get laid, but I went. The future looked so bright. Yet, there I was.
I was a functional addict for a long time. The amount of drugs I did and sold and still managed to hold a job and an apartment and keep a girlfriend was astonishing. Slowly but surely, the tires went flat and the wheels started falling off.
When the wheels start falling off is where the Country song begins. Lose your girl, lose your job, lose your car, lose your apartment, until one day all you have left is a sad story to tell.
I blamed the death of the woman that would have been my 3rd wife for my final spiral, but it likely would have happened anyway. Getting fired became inevitable , my car was repossessed, my Mom said I couldn’t stay at the family house. I was pissed when it happened but I appreciate it now.
I’ve been to tons of NA and AA meetings both by myself and with others. Court ordered and of my own volition. It doesn’t work for me. I am not powerless. I am the master of my own destiny. God exists, and I’m not saying god doesn’t help. When I detoxed that time and every time before I asked the eternal for help. But god didn’t buy me the bag of heroin that was in my pocket at that moment nor was he the plug.
I’ve been ‘clean’ for 18 months. When I say clean I mean heroin. I still smoke weed, drink, and would probably hit the pookie if one were around. Because I removed myself from that environment, there isn’t. Total sobriety doesn’t work for me. I would need to be on anti-psychotics and anti-depressants which screws with my sex drive.
While I am a sex enthusiast, I’m not a sex addict, thank god. Sex addicts I know seem worse off because most don’t see it as a problem. I don’t need sex for validation.
My point is that NA and AA isn’t for everybody, but it’s a good place to start. Learn what they teach. Practice what works for you. For me sitting around with a bunch of addicts talking about drugs makes me really want to do drugs! The more horrible the stories, the more I want to drive to Alverado Street and get some balloons.
But I don’t feel like doing that today.
I never want to feel like I did at that moment in the motel again. What works for me is saying “I’m not going to do drugs today.” Maybe tomorrow I will. Then the next day when I wake up I say the same thing. I never quit drugs, I’m just not doing them today. If I tell myself I’m never doing a drug again, the only thing on my mind will be obtaining and doing that drug. That’s what works for me and that’s where the whole “just for today” prayer or whatever they call it is all about. I really appreciate NA for teaching me that. But I don’t need to sit around drinking coffee with a bunch of people I didn’t care for being around when I was high.
Good luck. Don’t die.