Hogan Torah

Writers who write about writing can’t write their way out of a wet paper bag

Stop clicking that garbage. You’re only encouraging them.

“Those who can’t do, teach.” — George Bernard Shaw or Woody Allen

Google’s results are conflicting in reference to the above quote and it doesn’t really matter. This isn’t a story about who said what. This story is about all the stories written on Medium about writing stories on Medium.

Yes! Stories! Tell me some stories! I like stories!

Hogan Torah Cerial
Image courtesy: Me, 3 days ago

To get to stories that I’m able to retain for longer than 2 seconds, I have to scroll past titles like 3 things I’m doing wrong with my writing right now. Then 5 mistakes I’m not even aware I’m making when I write says some asshole.

There’s one thing all writers need to start doing right now.

Okay Mr. or Ms. You’re doing it wrong. Or not doing it right. You win, I clicked so tell me what one piece of life changing advice did you stretch out for 5 minutes of reading time?

Don’t save an idea for later, write when you get the idea…
Well Mr. Smarty Pants then what’s the answer to this? While I was writing the story you’re reading now I got an idea to write a story about people who post nothing but inspiring quotes on their Facebook and what that says about them. Should I stop writing my current Avant Garde meta rant so I can write about the new idea I just had?

Hell No! I’d never finish anything! That’s why I have a pad and paper next to my keyboard. What do you do in that situation Dr. Qualified to Advise Writers? You didn’t mention a word about how that might interfere with a person’s life. So, what did you write?

You wrote almost a thousand words mostly about the best thing YOU ever wrote and you sat down and did it right then and there. Shared all over Tweetbookgram friends and family and… God, what an asshole. This was about you this whole time. You don’t want to help; you want to brag.

You’re the kind of guy who’s able to suck his own dick and not only does it in front of people, but makes videos of yourself sucking your own dick and replacing random DVD’s at your friends’ houses covertly with your auto fellatio erotica.

Certified asshole.

 

You know who you are…

It’s the laziest cop-out. Every time I see one of those stories, I picture some ass-hat in Starbucks sitting there for 3 hours sipping some mocha latte frappé 6 dollar coffee. They have a brand new MacBook Pro but it’s last year’s model with the weird keyboard. They got a deal on it and gladly tell you all about it. Of course they are sitting with the charger plugged into to the only available outlet not counting the one their phone is plugged into. Both devices are at 100%.

They are immaculately dressed. They are never too engrossed in what they are writing. What they really want is acknowledgement. Someone to come by and say, “You’re a writer?!? Wow!” But no one ever does. Except for me but I’m actually mocking you.

Starbucks. HA! A real writer doesn’t leave their house unless absolutely necessary. I haven’t gone outside for 4 days. Can’t tell you when the last time I bathed was. I took this picture 3 days ago and I’m still wearing the same shirt. If I’m going to Starbucks, I’m either meeting a client or too broke to pay my internet bill.

Picture of me currently. It’s a different bowl of Lucky Charms. Otherwise they would be soggy.

You need advice? You’re either a writer or you’re not. If you can’t no need to write about writing. I hear Tik-Tok pays well. You just have to be young, white, thin, and able to dance in a manner where you injure yourself after 15 seconds.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Like writing.

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